i reali wonder how long can a pain last in me .. why after so long i am still missin him ??? a aprt of me always feel so empty with out him why was it so ??? why cant i jus move on as normal as what he had done ???

some people felt that a apart of me was running away from this problem ... they felt that i was actuali runnin away from facing myself was this so ??? as they said that was the main reason why i am making myself so busy ...

tml onwards i'l be doing my mornin shift ... early in the mornin go to sch after that go to work n it'll last till the wee hours ... wonder how am i going to keep it going ... think everyday while i reach hm i'll b dead beat ba ...

i misses the times i use to be with andy therefore i decided to make myself busy so that i'll not haf anymore time to think abt it and as times goes by i'll let it go with out realising it isnt tt great ???

andy was reali a sweet guy but some people told me that i said all these cause i still feels for him as i haf forgotten the things he use to beat me throw things at me lie to me and stuff maybe they was rite cos to me like i say i reali dun remember much abt the bad times things that i remember was the good old times i use to share from him but that was sometime back already now the feeling was like a stranger to me already ...

i beleif one day i'll b use to this kind of strange feeling ...

waiting for a time that i was able to let go ... how long more will it take ??? i noe i wasnt able to forget him i noe still apart of me was still waiting for him hope that i'll still haf hope but deep inside me also noe that it was impossible for him to come back to me anymore ...

this new year i'll b working maybe this was the best way for me to forget abt the times and ways i use to past my new year with him ba ...

wonder who will b going to his family dinner with him this year ...

anyway i am nobody to noe or ask abt all these anymore ... though it still hurts to say this and i noe i shouldnt think anymore but i wasnt able to do so ...

when there was a will there'll be a way therefore i belief one day i'll b able to move on better than i use to do so when i was with him ... mayb what the fortune tellers use to tell me was true i wasnt suitable to b in a relationship as my line in relationships are good wasnt bringin me to anywhere ... therefore mayb i should listen to them and reali work hard on my studies and work =)

i went KL over the weekends =) jus got back from the short holiday there ... didnt did much there other den slp and eat reali felt like a small little piggy ... brought my yore yore over wif me =) lucky he wasnt it ??? but during this trip all my brain could think abt was andy ... wondering if yore yore was still there wif him not ??? the same yore yore tt i bought for him to hug ... wonder how's things been going on wif him ...

all wondering and guessing den i realise how silly i am ... wat for do all these stuff wat for go and think ??? everythin was the past he had moved on wif his life and i had told myself that i had to move on and put things down ...

on my way back to singapore i was actuali listenin to my MP3 den i heard a song which was something like tis while i was looking out of the window thinkin abt the past ...

how long or how much pain must i undergo before i could decide or know it's time to let go ??? cos till now sometimes i still wonder if i didnt let go how was things like wat will we b now ??? sometimes i reali hope tt btw i n dino we haf not broke up ...

i kind of like this song the meanin was somethin like tis cant cry i should smile to u and let u go if i reali love u i should not let myself b ur burden i should let u go the way u wan and hope that i haf found the real happiness that u always wanted ... i cant cry cos i cant let u feel that i am making myself look weak and stop u from moving on ... this is all i could do for u cos i love u ... and so i should let u go to the path that u wan and felt happy with even if it wasnt wif me i'll give u all my blessing ...

when i heard tis song i cried ... but lucky i still haf yore yore around me ... i noe all these was the best n i was the one who choose it so there was no one i could blame or do anythin to it ...

i'll take my time and move on ... let me b let me miss him and hang around for as long as i could cos i belief one day one day i'll definetly be able to move on and put all these as memories though i wasnt able to do it now and a part of me was still waiting for him to turn back ... but noe a part of me had kind of gave up ... a part of me had kind of accepted that he's happy now n no longer misses me so i should also do the same ...

now i reali understand that all i can do now was accept all these and move on ... i have decided tt noe i haf to face myself n move on ... learn to move on n acccept the past, accept that i and dino was over long ago and i was the one who dump him ...

though i am waiting for him n may give him another change but all was over all was the past ... his limit was over yesterday ...i waited all the way till his Bday i dun wish to b like tis anymore ... think a part of me haf let this idea of waitin for him die off le ba ... and at the other part of me i hope n wish n pary that the good old days that i use to haf will come back ... it's a fight between my thoughts ba dun u think so ???

mayb in a few more mth's time i'll b able to reali put all these the past n moved on ... i haf kind of accept times that i had being alone n realise that actuali i was reali very fortunate that i had so many people around me who cares and loves me alot ... therefore for me for them for people who cares for me i think it was time for me to reali dump the past and move on ... though i wasnt sure how long will it take but i belief one day i'll b able to do it no matter how long it'll take it'll still happen one day ... one fine day it'll happen even if it takes years for me to move on i'll still try n belief that one day all these hope n stuff it'll die off in me n give up all hope that i once used to hold for him ....

now everytime i talked abt dino or think abt him tears will pour out and my heart seems to be bleeding ... the only reason why was that everytime all these happen deep inside my mind seems like there was a voice telling me ... remember this between u all everything was over everything he had moved on with his life and so u had to do it too ... everytime i hear this it hurts me ...

sometimes i reali wonder how come people have to get so hurt ??? how did all these pain come about ??? why can love cause all these ???

yesterday kelvin asked me if i belief in loving someone forever ... and the answer to it was i do belief in loving someone forever i do belief ... and a part of me actuali wanted to answer him that i'll b able to love dino for the rest of my life if only he is willing to let me love him forever ... but he never allow it to happen and i am also the one who is partly to be blame ... isnt it ???

if no one can love someone forever den it's impossible that that poeple will feel the pain ... i belief after a long time being together we people will ask ourselves mayb we no longer love this person anymore anybe it was jus that i was too used to it ... and when new people came in as things between the couple came to stable down sometimes we'll feel that it was too boring like tis therefore we try to spice up life let people come in between us just to see if the other party still love u not or are u still able to move on with someone else ....

but no one realise that all these will bring pain n destroy the relationship that is actuali everythin to them ...

after a break up after that person reali left u den u'll realise how important that person was once to u but u neg it all cos u are taking that person who is beside u for granted ...

if u no longer love someone u'll never feel the pain after leaving mayb u'll feel uneasy all cos u are too used to that person but u'll not feel hurt if u dun love that person therefore i do belief that there is everlasting love ...

love can last for a lifetime ...

too bad this love that i once belief in never last forever as i thought it will though it brought me hurt that was soooo sooooo soooooo deep but still i'll try to overcome this pain and accept it and also move on though i dunno how long will it take me to actuali able to do so ... but no matter how long i'll try ... cos i felt if tis was nothin to him i can also do the same ... i'll try my very best very very very best to actuali accept someone else one day and move on happily ever after ....

though i dunno how long before this day will come but i'll wait n try to make this day come faster =)

this was the first Bday i wasnt around dino ... wonder who was around him celebrating for him ... i think he any haf forgotten everything about me le ba ....

actuali ask me how was things btw tis 4 year relationship that i once had to say i dun remember alot ... all i remember clearly was our first 2 years and to my surprise i could actuali remember all the details yet if u ask me about the later part of the 2 years ... i dun reali remember much everything was so unclear ... like bits and pieces to me ...

somethings i reali wonder why is that so ... do i reali love him so much that all i could remember was the good old times that we once had that was y i wasnt able to let go ??? but to think i was the one who forced this break up so i was no one to say anything ba isnt it ???

i reali misses the good old times we use to spend together but i think it's all in the memories only ... it'll never happen anymore ... never ever will it happen again ...

i hope one day he can remember and understand why i left remember all the goodness of me and the good old times we once had together ... now all i want was to see him and had a good old nice hug from him ... but i think this will never happen again ... seeing him was hard ... wat more a hug ??? should b impossible ...

i once told myself i'll give myself wait ... wait till his bday n if by den he still never come back to find me i'll no longer wait n i'll move on ... so think today will b the last time i can reali think abt him ... cry over him n out all the waiting that i had aside n reali move on ...

i dunno if i was able to do so but i wish n hope i was cos i kind of realise that things will haf no differences he'll never turn back to me he had moved on and i should b happy with what was things now as at least from now onwards we'll never haf endless arguement and he was able to do the things that he always want to do ... now he no longer need to hide the things he want to do and lie to me and run out...

now everythin that he use to do that made me angry now seems like i misses every single thing ... every single things that he had done wrong that i haf done wrong every step we walked together i reali misses it sooo soooo much ... if u can choose i'll still choose this path i'll choose to walk wif him all over again ... all the pain together also and mayb i'll not force a break off tis time ba ...

i reali miss dino but now i'm going to learn how to move on ... all alone now ... no longer will i ever turn back to wait for him to catch up wif me ... i belief i can do it ...

i reali misses him soooo much till the extend i asked my friend if can help me go find him n pass him some stuff actuali wanted to pass him his Bday present but everyone beside me objects it so i also not sure wat i should do ...

should i or should i not ??? i noe he is movin on very well but watever he is all i noe was that i still misses him alot and dun seems like i am able to let him go ...

but no worries i'll not go n bother him ... now i was still thinkin should i pass him the present ??? should i tell him happy Bday ??? but u guys are rite ... so wat if i did all those ???? he had moved on ... even if he come back to me so wat ??? everything will b like a cycle rite ??? if only he was able to understand n change or else even if we got back together also pointless we'll still argue n stuff ...

anyway i straighten my hair cos dino says that he like me to straighten my hair ... that was also the reason why my hair was straighten n cut short ... now i decided to go back n curl my hair ... go back to the same old me that i use to be =)

anyway new year is coming ... i thought of the same old days that we use to have ... i mean every year how i need to go over to accompany him and his family and stuff ... everything in the pass seems so nice sweet and good ...

yet everything was jus the past ... i have understand everythin yet had he ??? mayb i was too late cos he had moved on ...